I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Never be a pizza!
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.