he was correct
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
every. time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994