I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Labreador
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’