Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?