Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98