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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car