My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.