[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child