LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*