*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
You Might Also Like
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*