odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Feels
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.