My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.