pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip