[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh