The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.