Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.