Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters