hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%