I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
You Might Also Like
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
sigh
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.