therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Spa day..😅
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
😏😏😏
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision