Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
You Might Also Like
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Have kids, they said
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what