JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen