After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You Might Also Like
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I feel it
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies