interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.