I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some