Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Great Canadian literature.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.