today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Try and stop me.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.