Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.