My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.