What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
#growingpains
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Mouse
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume