IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You Might Also Like
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
This is always good for a laugh.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now