Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You Might Also Like
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“you changed” bro i was 15
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”