I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.