I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker