Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.