Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You Might Also Like
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.