Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Otters see a butterfly.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.