I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
at ease…shoulder.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.