Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Barbie gone wild
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
✌️
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
finally
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
This is my favorite one of these!
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*