“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
You Might Also Like
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
just witnessed a drug deal
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.