my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.