Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?