You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You Might Also Like
stop
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them