Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.