The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks