Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I love art.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”