Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Leaving the Barbers like
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
never deleting this app.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR