Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
You Might Also Like
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*launders Kohls cash*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.