Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
The Book. The Movie.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.