For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.